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There is a bucket load of weird and wonderful myths out there regarding adoption in the UK. Many of these can be extremely off-putting and what I would suggest is, go seek professional advice before deciding that adoption isn’t for you, and stop listening to the nonsense from those who haven’t experienced adoption.
Below are some key myths that I encountered throughout my adoption process, and often still encounter when people realise my son is adopted. You may find some of these blunt or direct in tone, but that’s often how people feel they have the right to address the idea that you might want to adopt.
Throughout the adoption journey, your social worker should be introducing you to a broad range of people who are involved with or who have engaged with adoption and one topic that is often discussed is other people’s reactions to your wish to adopt. I’ve posted more about my adoption journey here, and I am always open to people reaching out with questions that they have that I haven’t addressed yet.
All adopted kids will have major behavioural issues
Let me start by saying that most children in the UK who are waiting to be adopted have been removed from their birth family for various reasons pertaining to their safety, health and wellbeing. The removal process is painful to everyone involved including the authorities. This combined with other forms of neglect and abuse that may be present in the birth family home, will most definitely lead to the child being affected in some way, and that can vary greatly. Your job as the prospective parent is to talk through what these effects may be and to work out ways that you feel you can manage them with the child.
What is important here is that kids can have behavioural issues regardless of whether they have been through the adoption process. I know of children still with their birth families who have behavioural issues. What is important with an adopted child is that their adoptive parents are aware of issues, potential issues that may arise and that they have a plan and a process in place to deal with the what ifs. Liaising with other authorotative figures at nursery and school can also help in mitigating the potential risks that may arise and having a confident and competent approach in engaging with authoritative figures in your child’s life is vital.
You will have access to social work and local authority help and guidance and I would advise using those services as much as you need to ensure you and your child get the help and support needed to ensure they thrive as much as they possibly can.
All adopted kids will struggle to be successful in life
My understanding is that people often assume that if you have had a traumatic experience in life, it can hold you back from becoming academically strong and successful in life. Of course, the trauma will play a part in that child’s life forever, but it is the steps that the adoptive parents take and ensure are in place that will build feeling of security for the child and allow them to prosper in the opportunities that their live after adoption can offer.
Like any parent, as your child begins to show particular interests or develop specific skills, it’s your job to nurture and develop these and to help the child grow and better understand the career path they wish to take in their future.
You need to be earning a good salary to be able to adopt
Whilst you are being assessed for adoption your personal finances will be discussed. Income, outgoings, debt etc will all be requested. This is merely to ensure that adding another child or children to the household is realistically affordable.
Having a lower income does not automatically discredit you from being considered for adoption. My advice here is to be honest with your social worker. Their job is to help you and they want you to be approved.
One tip I was given that really helped was to start a savings account from the moment you begin your adoption journey. It can take a while to get approved and then matched and that allows for a bit of a nest egg to build up. I was approximately three years from first meeting with a social worker to first meeting with my boy. This allowed me to squirrel some savings to then be able to enjoy my son moving in without worrying about money too much.
You need to own your own house to be able to adopt
This is not true. Just as with finances, you must be able to prove that you have a stable home with adequate space to provide the child/ children with their own room. Details will be requested in terms of owning or renting your house and social workers will ask to see the proposed room that you hope to offer to the child/ children. During my own journey, there were some questions regarding whether the second double bedroom in my house was suitable for two siblings to share. I discussed my proposed room layout with the social worker who determined that I had carefully thought things through. In the end, I didn’t adopt siblings.
You can’t adopt if you have mental health issues/ neurodiverse condition/ a disability/ you’re single, you’re a same-sex couple, you’re from lgbtq+ community.
I’ve grouped these details together because the answer to all of these is pretty much the same. None of these particulars are automatic reasons to reject you from adoption. Being from the lgbtq+ community most definitely does not prevent you from adopting and more and more people from this community are adopting. In terms of lifestyle, just like a heterosexual prospective adopter, your lifestyle and how you expect to care for and provide for the child/ children will be taken into consideration. If you are non-binary, gender non-conforming, queer, trans etc, the main area that social workers will consider is the impact on your lifestyle on the child/ children and how you aim to manage questions and reactions from wider society. The child could be coming from a birth family with lifestyle diversity wasn’t apparent and the child could have learned prejudices that they don’t fully understand yet. Think this through and be realistic putting yourself in the shoes of the child and how they may perceive your lifestyle.
In terms of mental health, neurodiversity and disabilities, the key area that is being assessed here is how are you going to manage caring for a child/ children and how is this going to impact on your condition. If you have a well thought out plan for how to manage your condition whilst being able to provide for the child/ children then that should stand you on good ground. Again, how is the child likely to perceive you and the comments and reactions from wider society and what plans will you put in place to deal with these?
You’re too old to adopt
Age is not a major issue when it comes to adopting. I remember being told by so many people that it would be almost impossible to adopt if I hadn’t managed to do it before turning 40. Not true! I worked with a colleague when I was going through the adoption process, and she was in her mid-fifties and single and had adopted an older child.
What the social workers are likely to be focusing on here is age difference between you and the child for reasons mainly pertaining to the ability to look after that child.
I was 40 when I adopted my son, and he was 15 months. By the time he is 20 I’ll be 60. If you’re coming to adoption later in life it may be more likely that you consider a child who is slightly older also.
Age, health, and fitness go hand in hand, and it will be important for the social workers to assess this. You could be young and very unfit, and you could be in your autumn years of life but fighting fit. Are you going to be able to run around after a child? Lift them and cuddle them? Help them to build things and carry their bags etc?
Your too unhealthy to adopt
Health is majorly important, and any ailments or conditions will be seriously taken into consideration. How are you going to care for a child if you are chronically ill, overweight, and significantly unfit? There will be lots of questions about lifestyle choices that will be taken into consideration when being assessed.
I have a long-term health condition that is well managed, and it was discussed on several occasions throughout the adoption process. A few times, I even felt that the local authority considered it a potential weakness and it was used to judge my reaction. Be honest and confident and you will be fine.
You can only adopt children from your own ethic background and cultural heritage
This is a tricky one as I think it varies across the UK determined often by the needs of the region. However, it is fair to say that local authorities are keen to see that you have some way or capability of helping the prospective child understand their ethnic background and culture if it is different from yours, the adoptive parent.
In my own adoption journey, I was in discussions with social workers about adopting two brothers who were ethnically different to me. My extensive travel, language capabilities and cultural knowledge of their home regions made me a potential suitable fit. There were lots of questions about how I would address this aspect of their background and how I would explain that we look different. It felt challenging but at the end of the day it was the best thing to ensure that by being adopted by a white British person, these ethnically different children would not lose sight of their heritage and roots. I didn’t proceed with that adoption pairing for various reasons, but nothing to do with race.
Adoption is extremely expensive
Adopting internationally from other countries often comes with a heavy price tag and its often these types of adoption that are publicized via celebrities like Angelina Jolie and Madonna. Adopting within the UK costs almost nothing. There are some admin costs in terms of paying to have your Criminal Record Background Check (CRB) completed and there may be costs associated with transportation if you attend training or information days further away from home. But the rest of the process does not cost the adoptive parents at all.
You will have the cost of getting ready for your child/ children arrived and my biggest piece of advice here is to ask around for hand-me-down items and find out what items the child/ children are bringing with them. Some children will arrive with very little, and others will arrive with mountains of stuff. It all depends on age, how long they’ve been in foster care etc.
I was lucky as one person I met in my adoption journey had created a spreadsheet of all the items she felt she would need to buy, estimate costs and links to where to buy them. I got a copy of this and amended it to my own needs.
Local authorities won’t help much
Local authorities tend to have a bad reputation and a lot of this is down to the fact that they are majorly under-resourced. I am not making any excuses for them as I had an awful experience with the local authority from the region where my son is from, and it was clear that they were in the wrong. I remained professional as much as possible, made copious notes, re-asked the same question where there wasn’t clarity, and even overtook the local authority to contact the family court directly for clarification on matters.
People’s experience of the local authority will vary and that is ok. To get the best out of them, remain organised, write everything down and double check where necessary. There are lots of forums and support groups that you can join to gain support from others in the same boat and just be persistent but also realistic and reasonable.
You can’t adopt if you already have birth children
If you have birth children and you want to adopt, the key focus of the assessment here is how the birth child and adopted children are going to adapt and connect in the same family and space. The assessment process is going to want to really understand how you ascertain the children interacting, how you expect to explain their differences in terms of being birth and non-birth children. Depending on the age of the birth child, some of the assessment meetings may include them to gauge from them how they feel about the adoption process.
Take time to think your plan through from the perspective of yourself, your birth child and the adopted child entering your family. Make a list of the thoughts, questions, and feelings they may have and address these with your social worker to learn from their experience in other placements that they have made.
Adoption is complicated and there are many stakeholders involved who are meant to be trying their best to make the best decision for the child and the adoptive parents. My best advice is to build a strong relationship with your social worker, ask plenty of questions until you are clear about something, keep a journal or notebook of what is said and by who at the many meetings you’ll attend. And most of all remember why you are going through this process and that should be plenty motivation to keep you going. Find more information on the Government website and also on Coral BAAF website.
As always, please do feel free to reach out to me using email or socials. I am not an expert at all, I am merely someone sharing what I learned and experienced as part of my journey to becoming a parent.
